A Self-Compassion Guide That Will Help You During Lockdown

Self-compassion is the first step to nurturing our mental health during Covid 19 writes Fiona Forman, a positive psychology trainer and facilitator.

How do we even start to sum up the challenges brought by COVID-19 to our mental health and well-being? Our whole way of life has been up-ended and we’ve had a prolonged period of stress and negativity. On top of that, our psychological resources are depleted, as it takes so much of our mental and emotional energy just to keep going. Our nervous systems are on heightened alert for the next announcement, so we may feel exhausted – COVID-19 fatigue has really started to set in, and it can be very hard to counteract.

We all know it’s more important now than ever to nurture our mental health, but sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. That’s where self-compassion comes in. Self-compassion is simply the idea of treating ourselves with the same kindness and gentleness as we would a good friend. It’s allowing ourselves to let go of our ‘inner critic’ – that inner voice we all have of judgement and criticism, telling us that we’re not quite good enough, reminding us of all the things we could or should have done, or be doing, comparing ourselves negatively to others and causing us to doubt our own inner strength, wisdom and resilience. I came across the concept of self-compassion a number of years ago, through the work of Dr. Kristin Neff, who is a leading expert and researcher in the area, and it was really transformative for me on a personal level.

‘‘Self-compassion is simply the idea of treating ourselves with the same kindness and gentleness as we would a good friend.’’

The idea of treating ourselves gently is actually quite radical – often we feel that it is self-indulgent in some way and that we need to be tough on ourselves in order to stay on track and achieve success in life. But the opposite is true – being hard and judgmental of ourselves just makes us feel inadequate and demotivated. When we remind ourselves that we are doing our best, and let go of the unrealistic expectations that we often place on ourselves, it can be the first step to bringing the gentle voice of self-compassion into our lives.

Well-being and positive psychology facilitator and trainer, Fiona Forman

‘‘Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks what’s good for you?’’

- Dr. Kristin Neff

Tuning into our inner voice of self-compassion can take time, as we are often so used to listening and identifying with our inner critic. The first step is to notice when you are being very hard on yourself or treating yourself harshly. Often it is due to unrealistic expectations or comparison with others. When we look at others who seem to be taking the challenges of the lockdown in their stride, we can start to wonder why we aren’t doing the same, and it can unleash spirals of negative thinking and self-judgement. Our culture is one that values and celebrates achievement and accomplishment, so we are bombarded with images of ‘amazingness’ in all its shapes and forms.

We are constantly reminded that we too can be amazing, so we can easily fall into the trap of feeling that there is something wrong with us on those ordinary days when we don’t feel amazing at all and are just getting through, one step at a time. We need to counteract this narrative of ‘amazingness’ by reminding ourselves that nobody feels amazing all the time and that the full array of human emotions from sadness to worry, to anger and grief are all completely normal, and there is nothing wrong if we feel all of these emotions on a daily basis. We need to stop judging ourselves for having these emotions as a starting point and remind ourselves that we are dealing with unprecedented challenges.

Letting go of the pressure to be ‘amazing’ and replacing it with the idea that we are ‘good enough’ just as we are, with all of our faults and flaws and mistakes, can be the starting point to a healthier relationship with ourselves, built on the pillars of self-compassion and self-acceptance. On a practical level, I find that it really helps me to have an array of self-compassionate phrases or mantras ready so that I can tap into my self-compassionate voice quickly, whenever I need to. Here are some of the ones that I find really helpful:

Phrases to help tap into your self-compassionate voice:

• I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.

• I don’t have to be, or feel, amazing all of the time.

• I don’t need to have everything all figured out right now.

• What can I do right now to make myself feel better?

• What am I believing about myself right now? Is it really true?

• Is there a better way to think about this?

• I need to be gentle with myself right now.

• I’m stronger than I feel right now.

It’s so important to have these mantras ready so that you can stand up for yourself against your inner critic. Over time and with practice,  it becomes easier, and you can start noticing and stopping these spirals of negative and critical self-talk before they take hold. And what does that give us? Space to breathe. Space to be ourselves, in all of our imperfections, flaws and mess-ups. Space allows those parts of us to exist, along with all of the other wonderful parts of us that make us the unique and complex beings that we are. Space to believe that our inner strength and wisdom and goodness are always there as a bedrock, no matter what we sometimes think about ourselves. Space and strength to know that we will get through this, one day at a time.

‘‘A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.’’

- Chris Germer

Fiona Forman is an author and a primary school teacher with over 30 years of classroom experience at all levels. She is also a Well-Being and Positive Psychology facilitator and trainer. Fiona’s years in the classroom allowed her to see at first-hand the need to place well-being at the heart of school life and the great benefits of empowering children, teachers and parents to understand, value and enhance their own mental health. You can find her on Instagram @fionaformanwellbeing.